The Paradox of Death

We grieve; we celebrate. Love gets us through.

Flowers laid in tribute for Princess Diana, Kensington Palace, September 1997

I recently returned from the funeral of my father-in-law, who died at age 89. Despite the somber-yet-celebratory nature of the occasion – and probably because of it – his funeral reminded me how fascinated I am by death and its surrounding ceremonies. As a cancer doctor and hospice physician, I suppose it comes with the territory.

If we are honest, I think we all share this fascination. It is, in the truest sense of the phrase, a morbid curiosity. Death is a paradox: We want to stay connected to the dead and yet we are repulsed by what death does to the body.

The Egyptians took this paradox to a whole new level. I love going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City to see the elaborate sarcophagi, mummies, and burial trinkets associated with various pharaohs and dynasties. I have been to Egypt to see the Pyramids and the Valley of the Kings, where King Tutankhamun’s tomb was discovered. Even today, we often honor our “royalty” with elaborate ceremonies – think Elizabeth II or Pope John Paul II – and bury them in prominent places, from Elvis’ Graceland to Presidential Libraries and national monuments. I happened to arrive in London within 24 hours of Princess Diana’s funeral and witnessed an entire nation’s outpouring of grief. The grounds of Kensington Palace were a three-feet-deep sea of flowers – 60 million by some estimates.

We memorialize groups as well as individuals, especially our war dead. I think Holocaust memorials are the most moving, in no small part because of the systematic genocide of six million Jews and millions of others. Each Holocaust memorial and concentration camp I have visited has tried to capture the sheer magnitude of loss as well as the humanness and individuality of the victims. Not a simple task. That anyone still today can deny the Holocaust is appalling and, frankly, terrifying. The purpose of Holocaust memorials can be summed up in the simple – yet profound – declaration, “Never forget.”

While in Oklahoma City for my father-in-law’s funeral, my wife and I strolled the grounds of the Oklahoma City National Memorial, which was constructed to honor the victims, survivors, and rescuers of the bombing of the Murrah Federal Building in 1995. This was the deadliest domestic terrorist attack in US history. The victims were memorialized with individual chairs strategically placed on the lawn according to which floor of the building they were on. Many children died in the bombing, and their little chairs were especially poignant.

My father-in-law’s service was a lovely, personal, and traditional Christian service. There was a visitation the evening before the service at the funeral home, where friends and relatives could view his embalmed body and comfort the family. The next day, there was a service at his church, which included a eulogy by his son and standard Bible passages about hope, resurrection, and salvation. Because he had been in the service, an Army Honor Guard played “Taps” and then ceremoniously folded the flag that draped his coffin and presented it to his widow. And we cannot forget one of the most underrated traditions surrounding funerals: the luncheon at the church – provided by a committee of church ladies, of course – of fried chicken and side casseroles.

Interestingly, Oklahoma City police officers are no longer allowed to take part in off-duty funeral escorts, purportedly due to safety concerns. That’s bad policy. It was impossible for our funeral cortege to stay together, and Oklahoma City is notorious for lots of stop lights along long stretches of road. Thankfully, everyone has Google or Apple maps nowadays. We just had to wait for everyone to arrive at the cemetery for the graveside ceremony – and hope no one took a wrong turn.

Because of the expense of the traditional funeral – averaging close to $10,000 when a funeral vault is included – many are opting for cheaper alternatives. Cremation, for example, can cost a third of what an embalming and burial can cost. By 2025, it is projected that nearly two out of three funerals will involve cremation, while traditional funerals will fall to 30.9%. There are some really bizarre alternatives out there as well, including aquamation (using water to speed up the deterioration process), promession (turning the body into fertilizer), dissolution (Using strong chemicals to dissolve the body), and resomation (an eco-friendly way to break down the body with alkali, water, and pressure). I’ll stick with burial, thank you.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention organ donation. According to the non-profit Donate Life Texas, 17 people die every day because the organ they need is not donated in time. It is very easy to register as an organ donor, including online and at the local DPS office, and have that designation noted on your driver license. I have done this – along with 14 million other Texans – and would encourage everyone to do so. Donating organs can save lives, and you certainly won’t miss them.

Dr. Bill Hoy, clinical professor at Baylor University and an authority on the care of the dying and bereaved, notes that funerals and memorial practices – whatever form they take – exist basically for two reasons: appeasement of the dead (including assuring the deceased person’s “safe passage” to the next plane, however defined), and comfort for the bereaved. My father-in-law’s funeral accomplished both. In the Christian tradition, funerals do celebrate the life of the one who died, but the focus ultimately is about hope: hope in life after death, resurrection, being reunited with loved ones, and especially the idea of finally seeing God “face to face.”

Death is, indeed, a paradox. We grieve; we celebrate. We hope for the new life to come; yet with organ donation we can save a life right now. We go about our day as if death isn’t real, but it might just be a heartbeat away. Our love for each other helps get us through.